Chapter 2
Nurse Angela
There is a man near my bed. His clothes are white. No. Some of his clothes are white. He has a white coat, but his trousers are brown. He also has brown hair. The man in the white coat says he's a doctor. He says his name is Doctor Cox. He tells me to call him Philip. He says he is going to help me.
But he's not going to help me. They think I don't remember. They think I don't know anything. They know nothing, the doctors. Or the police. Nobody knows who I am. I sit in the bed and answer questions. They ask lots of questions.
'Do you know what amnesia is, John?' Doctor Cox asks me.
Doctor Cox. Doctor Philip Cox. He thinks he's somebody. He's nobody. I know what amnesia is.
'Yes,' I say. 'It's when you can't remember anything. You don't know who you are or where you come from. You don't know who your wife is or where your home is.'
'Do you have a wife?' Doctor Cox asks me. He's very quick, this doctor. I had a wife. But I don't tell him. I don't tell him anything. He calls me John Doe. That makes me smile. My name is John. I have lots of names, lots of surnames... but my first name is always John. The doctor doesn't know that.
'Do you think I have amnesia?' I ask him.
'I want to find out, John,' says Doctor Cox. 'You tell me. Do you think you have amnesia?'
I ask a question. He answers with a question. I don't like that.
'I don't know, Philip. I'm very tired,' I say.
Doctor Cox looks at his watch.
'It's eleven o'clock now,' he says. 'I'm going on holiday tomorrow and I have lots of work to do. Today lots of people want to see me. I must go. But we can talk again this afternoon.'
'Thank you, Doctor,' I say.
'Don't be afraid, John,' says Doctor Cox. 'Everything's going to be all right very soon. I know these things. You're afraid that you're nobody, but I know that you're somebody.'
'I am somebody,' I say. Afraid! I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of anybody or anything. But I don't say that. I say: 'I'm somebody, but I don't know who I am.' That's not true. I do know who I am. But I'm not telling him. I'm not telling anybody.
I watch Doctor Cox. He goes to the door.
'Nurse!' he calls. 'Can I talk to you for a minute, please?'
A nurse comes into the room. She is very beautiful. She smiles at the doctor. She smiles at me. Doctor Cox calls her Angela. Nurse Angela. I like that. I like the name Angela.
'Yes, doctor,' says Nurse Angela. She has short black hair and beautiful black eyes.
'Are you here all day today?' asks Doctor Cox.
'Yes, doctor,' answers Nurse Angela.
'Good. It's about this man in bed number six.' Doctor Cox is standing by the door and he speaks very quietly. He thinks I can't hear. But I can hear him.
The doctor talks to Nurse Angela about me.
'Ask him lots of questions,' he says. He wants me to remember.
He wants to know who I am. He wants me to say, 'I know who I am'. He's going to wait a long time for me to say that.
Nurse Angela sits by my bed. She smiles. She has a big, big smile.
'Hello, John,' she says to me. She has a beautiful, quiet voice. 'And how are we today?'
Why do nurses and doctors say 'we' when they mean 'you'? I don't like that. They say 'Are we hungry?' when they mean 'Are you hungry?' That's what you say to very small children. 'How are we then? Aren't we a big boy?' they say to babies. Babies can't answer, but I can. And I'm not a small child. I don't like you now, Nurse Angela. You're going to be sorry.
'Go away, nurse,' I say very quietly.
'What did you say?' asks Nurse Angela. 'I didn't hear what you said.'
'I said "hello",' I say. She's not going away. She wants a conversation. She wants to talk.
'My name is Angela,' she says. 'I come from Birmingham. But my family comes from London. Do you know Birmingham?'
'No,' I say. That's not true. I know Birmingham. I had a house in Birmingham. 'I don't think so. But...' I stop. 'Is this Birmingham?' I know it's Exeter. The doctor told me it was Exeter, but she doesn't know that.
Nurse Angela smiles. It's a beautiful smile. I look at her. She is small, with a nice face. I smile at her. I knew another woman with a nice face. She lived in Birmingham. She wasn't nice to me. She died in Birmingham.
Angela talks. She says I must talk, too. She says she's going to say a word and I must answer with another word. I must say the first word I think of. She says it's going to help me remember.
'Night,' she says.
'Day,' I answer.
She says more words. I answer with more words.
'Afternoon,' she says.
'Morning,' I answer.
Book: paper. Father: mother. It's easy.
'Woman,' says Angela.
'Dead,' I answer.
'What?' asks Angela.
'Bed,' I say quickly. She writes something.
I didn't want to say that... I spoke too quickly. Angela says another word. I answer. Window: door. Rain: sun. Water: sea. Why did I say dead? I think. I didn't want to say that. Bad boy, John, I say to myself. You're a bad boy.
Angela stops. 'You did very well,' she says. 'Are you hungry?' she asks.
'Yes,' I tell her. 'I'm very hungry.'
'Good,' she says. 'Would you like something to eat?'
'Yes, please, Angela,' I say. I smile.
'OK,' says Angela. 'Would you like some eggs and some bread?'
'Thank you,' I say. 'Yes.' I take her hand. I smile. 'Thank you, Nurse Angela.'